PERSONALITIES AND RELATIONSHIPS

The Bottom

Not always a person that wishes to be overly dominated just wants to feel someone else is in control at times they need it, more of a role playing than life style, looks for a confident person who will take charge when they want it usually in times they are playing out their sexual fantasies.  

The Top

Very much into role playing and sexual gratification, likes to take control for short periods of time when doing a scene. Not into personal servitude, per say, but into playing the Master or practicing the Dominant side of a fetish. Not into owning or a 24/7 relationship based solely on being the Top. Again, it is a nice way to spice their sexual expression.

A Top and Bottom Relationship

These people are not looking to form a relationship based solely on the Top + bottom aspect. It may be, however, that a relationship that has this as an integral part exists. There is a degree of power exchange, but not for long periods of time and the time spent together is full of role playing and mutual fantasy fulfillment.

The Submissive

Very much into being directed by the Dominant. Wants to give up control for longer periods of time or in more intense ways, is very much into the erotic side of submission and into servicing the Dominant sexually, but is a little more reluctant to give in to the personal servitude. Might be into feeling a 24/7 relationship to one sole person and being collared to show commitment, but not into feeling “owned” per say The relationship is seen as something more than just “kinky sex”; a power exchange takes place.

The Dominant

 Very much into directing the submissive; orders and details are important. Taking control is most certainly a priority and is very much into the erotic side of submission. May not be into being personal servitude, but is most likely interested in being serviced sexually. Might be interested in a 24/7 relationship with one submissive and collaring such to show commitment, but not necessarily into “owning” them. The relationship is seen as something more than just “kinky sex”; a power exchange takes place.

Dominant + Submissive Relationship

Not to be mistaken as master and slave as the submissive is not owned but freely submits for a short period. There is a much more intense power exchange and commitments that are longer periods but these are rare. these relationship are not 24/7 torture periods as the human body can only take so much. The point here is to meet those points and cross them for a short period of pain and humiliation. Most people in this kind of relationship do indeed have a love or caring aspect in it; there is a certain commitment involved emotionally. The relationship can be based solely on the Dominant Submissive aspects because of this. Each gets fulfillment through the giving and fulfillment of orders, attention to details, punishment for wrong doing and sexual control, but not necessarily from being owned or owning.

The Slave

Someone who wants to be owned, this is used as a way of establishing a sense of security which is gained by belonging to someone. Very much into servitude; so much so that they are eager to learn the little things about their owner so that they don’t need to be told something in order to get it done. Certainly into 24/7 relationships and collaring to show ownership, may or may not be open to the erotic or masochist side of submission; their pleasure is mostly derived from servitude.

The Master/Mistress

 Wants to own someone and derives as sense of satisfaction from believing they own someone else completely. These people are very much into personal service from the slave and the personal attention that involves. Not necessarily into giving repetitive orders. Very interested in a 24/7 relationship and collaring to show their ownership of the property although this is a personal trait and not always the case, it is however a common factor. The collar may also be in the form of a marking of some kind. This person may not be inclined to play sadistically, except to punish if that is part of the contract. The pleasure of the relationship comes from owning a person completely and being responsible for them but that is by no means the only pleasures, but it is one of the most common.

Master + Slave Relationship

The focus of this relationship is of ownership, either being owned or owning. A certain pride and a sense of fulfillment are gained from such. Slaves are almost always collared to show that they are property and the relationship is almost always 24/7 and contractual. Aspects of this type of relationship may come into play and often sexual control is a goal, the main pleasure however for many in this type of relationship is from the personal service and attention to detail the slave brings to the relationship. The slave must follow the rules set out in the contract and must worship their Master/Mistress completely. Disobedience is met with punishment either physical or psychological. Few people are secure enough to deal with this sort of relationship and usually choose a vanilla variance of it that suites their needs. This is the hardest of all the relationships to complete fully and requires amazing people to complete it.

ANAL SEX

Anal Eroticism is surrounded by a powerful taboo. Yet everyday men and women from all walks of life- straight, gay and bisexual - experiment with anal sex and the majority  continue to practice it. The anus, richly endowed with nerve endings and interconnected with the main pelvic muscles, is the closest erogenous neighbor of the genitals and contracts rhythmically during orgasm. Yet the anal taboo inhibits most people from thinking, talking and learning about the sexual use of the anus. If this is your first time or you have had bad experiences in the past do not run away from the dark and exciting pleasure. Here are a few tips to help make it more fun and pleasurable for all.

Anal intercourse is not the only form of anal sex. There are many ways to enjoy the anus erotically. The most common techniques include touching the anal opening while masturbating or stimulating a partner’s anus during intercourse or oral sex. Some people enjoy the sensation of a finger - their own or a lover’s – inserting a finger softly and slowly into the anal opening and gently sliding it in and out or just softly and slightly moving it can drive someone wild. Others may prefer the insertion of a dildo or vibrator beyond the anal opening and short anal canal into the larger rectum. Many men, including heterosexuals, prefer this form of penetration. Oral-anal lovemaking is popularly known as rimming. The very idea disgusts some people. Others enjoy performing it or allowing themselves to be probed in this special way.

Anal stimulation, including intercourse, is not painful if done properly. The belief that anal stimulation, especially intercourse, has to hurt is a persistent and dangerous myth.  Just as pain anywhere in the body indicates that something is wrong, so is the same true of the anal area. With its high concentration of nerve endings, the anus can produce extreme agony when it is mistreated. Yet it can be a source of great pleasure. When a finger, object or penis is introduced into the anus, the anal muscles go into spasm, as if fighting off an invasion. Pain will result if the partners do not wait for these muscles to relax.  Under sufficient stress they will eventually collapse and the pain subsides, unless further damage is done. But, any ‘pleasure’ afforded from this kind of activity derives mostly from the absence of discomfort. Maximum anal pleasure requires the elimination of all pain or physical trauma from the anal experience. Self-protection on the part of the passive partner involves being ready to say “no” until he or she is ready to proceed. Readiness is a combination of physical relaxation, usually helped along by plenty of leisurely anal touching, and desire. Occasionally the anal muscles are relaxes, but the passive partner is still not in the mood. Stimulation should mount only in proportion to the degree of receptivity.

Anal sex can be enjoyed even if it has been consistently uncomfortable in the past. Sufficient desire alone does not necessarily guarantee pleasurable anal sex. Nor is an uncomfortable previous experience always the reason for a lack of interest in or desire for anal sex. Chronic anal tension is the most common cause of anal discomfort during sex. Hemorrhoids and constipation is usually a sign of this condition. Tension can be relieved by touching the anus and becoming more familiar with it. An ideal time to explore the anal opening is while taking a shower or bath. Deep breathing also affects the anal muscles, another way is to learn how to relax it. Tensing the anus and then letting go allowing it to relax is in another way of learning to relax it so penetration will be easier, all too often the submissive clenches their anus through conscious or subconscious fear . Anyone who enjoys masturbation might want to experiment with some form of anal stimulation, though he or she should stop if any discomfort occurs. For many people the turning point in anal sex is when they allow a partner to massage the anus with the understanding that intercourse will not be attempted. Then the recipient of anal caresses can concentrate solely on the pleasure that this erogenous zone is capable of generating.

Two muscle rings called sphincters surround the anal opening. Each functions independently.  If you insert a finger about one half-inch into your anus and press your fingertip against the side, you can clearly feel the two sphincter muscles. There is less than a quarter-inch between them. The external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system - just like the muscles of the hand, for example. You can readily tense and relax this sphincter whenever you want. The internal sphincter is quite different. This muscle is controlled by the involuntary or autonomic part of the nervous system, which governs such functions as heartbeat and stress response. The internal sphincter reflects and responds to fear and anxiety during anal sex. It will cause the anus to tense up automatically even if the passive partner is trying to relax. Thus, precautions about safety and comfort are essential here. Even if a person does feel comfortable during anal sex, he or she may still need to learn voluntary control over his or her internal sphincter in order to relax it at will. Doing so requires regularly inserting a finger, perhaps in the shower each day, and feeling the internal sphincter. The muscle changes spontaneously and in response to behavior.  In this instance, simply paying attention is more important than trying to relax. Anyone can gradually learn to control the internal sphincter at will.

 Anal stimulation provides many kinds of pleasure. The highest concentration of nerve endings is around the anal opening itself. A finger can focus on them especially effectively. When an object or penis is inserted beyond the anal opening into the rectum, other pleasures are involved. The outer portion of the rectum, like the vagina, has several nerve endings. The inner portion responds mostly to pressure. Some people enjoy the feelings of pressure and fullness once they understand that these sensations do not presage an impending bowel movement. Rectal pressure is especially important to enthusiasts of “fisting,” a form of anal sex in which several fingers or even the entire hand and forearm are inserted into the rectum and sometimes into the lower colon. In men, the prostate - which is just beyond the rectal wall, a few inches in, towards the front of the body - can be a source of pleasure when massaged by a finger, an object, or a penis. Also, the lower end of the penis, or “bulb,” is near the anal opening. It is stimulated indirectly by most types of anal sex.

Anal pleasure can be psychological as well as physical. The anal taboo adds to the thrill of the forbidden. The most common anti-anal message causing fear and disgust in the submissive is “it’s dirty”. Sometimes this is also the part that makes its so exciting and alluring creating a source of raunchy, sleazy excitement. Rimming enthusiasts may enjoy the feeling that they are being disgustingly - and delightfully perverse. Other people regard the anus as a secret, special place. Sharing it with a partner is an act of openness and giving.  The most interesting aspect though is that anal stimulation can lead to orgasm.  A minority of men and women can respond orgasmicly to anal sex without direct genital stimulation and a small minority even though the sheer excitement of being anally penetrated. When men experience an orgasm from anal stimulation, they tend to focus on the prostate. No doubt they are also responding to indirect stimulation of the penile bulb. Orgasms from anal stimulation are most likely to occur when the participants become thoroughly absorbed in their sensations and fantasies. An almost certain way to prevent such an orgasm is to be so determined to have one. Seeking an anal orgasm will create new pressures and disrupt the pleasure. It must be remembered that most people require direct genital stimulation in order to climax. On the other hand, a few people have orgasms only with anal stimulation.

An interesting observation is that diet contributes to the enjoyment of anal sex, having regular bowel movements are the major function of the anus and rectum. There must be sufficient fiber in a person’s diet to make his or her feces soft, bulky and well formed. This allows a bowel movement to be produced without force or effort. Forced evacuations irritate anal tissues, causing discomfort and adding to muscular tensions. Fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains or unprocessed bran are important sources of fiber.  Hygiene is another important factor, since intercourse can be vaginal or rectal, many people assume the same rules apply for the penetration of the vagina and rectum. Although both are lined with soft tissue and are capable of expanding, they are radically dissimilar. The rectum is not straight. After the short anal canal which connects the anal opening to the rectum, the rectum tilts toward the front of the body. A few inches in, it curves back - sometimes as much as 90 degrees. Then, after a few more inches, it swoops toward the front of the body once again. A person can learn about the shape of his or her rectum by gently inserting a soft object, trying different angles and body positions and concentrating on how it feels. Make sure the object has a flared base so that if you lose your grip, it could slip into the rectum and become irretrievable without medical assistance. The rectum does not produce lubrication like the vagina but only a small amount of mucus. Therefore, rectal penetration always requires a lubricant. Chemical additives should be avoided. Water-based lubricants are latex-compatible. The main function of the rectum is to act as a passageway for feces. But feces are not normally stored in the rectum except just prior to a bowel movement. Yet small amounts may remain in the rectum, especially if the feces are not well formed. Anal douching before lovemaking will help some people especially concerned with cleanliness to relax. For others the idea of dirtiness heightens the joy of the forbidden; for them, douching is anti-erotic.

Anal intercourse is not always an act of dominance and submission. The top-bottom imagery associated with anal intercourse is however a strong area of eroticism. No doubt the belief that anal sex has to hurt contributes to this notion. In fact some people are intensely excited by top-bottom fantasies about anal sex. The thought that they are submitting to such a degrading act is a terrific thrill. For others, the enjoyment of anal sex is inhibited by top-bottom imagery. The idea of surrendering control, and perhaps submitting to humiliation, causes immediate, protective tensing of the anal muscles. These individuals are more likely to relax and enjoy themselves if they can learn to regard anal sex as pleasurable rather than as an expression of power. To this point even in the dominant submissive world anal sex can be perfectly safe, even beneficial. The taboo against anal eroticism is perpetuated by the almost universal belief among physicians that anal sex is inevitably dangerous. No physical injury from anal stimulation results if both partners refuse to tolerate pain, never use force and avoid the use of drugs. 

THE PUNISHMENT SHOULD FIT THE CRIME

Most D/s articles on the Internet talk about punishment in terms of spanking. “If you do not obey, I will spank you.” But how does this work if the submissive or slave actually likes to be spanked? Kind of like ”please do not throw me in the briar patch.” Here we will catalogue punishments you can actually use in the real time training of a slave/submissive.

First, Let us start with some basic punishment principles. It is always important to gear the punishment to the infraction. Let the punishment fit the crime. When a minor infraction gets a major punishment, you are sending the wrong signal. Try to administer punishment as closely as possible to the time of the infraction. In this way the sub/slave will not only be properly and predictably disciplined, but will also respect his/her Dominant. Never let a punishment cause injury unless the submissive has prior requested it. Never, ever use a hard limit as a punishment. And, finally, always start the punishment with a lecture/explanation. There is a debate as to whether punishment sessions should have safe words. Some allow them, others do not. It is a matter of preference, style, how well the Dominant knows the submissive and, of course, how experienced the Dominant is. Those Dominants who do not allow safe words should always err on the side of safety. My feeling is that in the beginning of a D/s relationship, use safe words all the time - in play and in punishment. As should all novice Dominants. As the Dominant’s knowledge of the submissive - and as the submissive’s trust in the Dominant grows - safe words can be done away with.

There is also the question as to whether punishment is necessary in the training of a sub/slave at all. There is no rule that says there must be punishment in a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship. I can envision a slave so instinctual she needs no punishment to serve flawlessly and surely some subs/slaves can respond perfectly to praise alone. Different (flogger) strokes for different folks. But as the Punishment Manual is intended only for those Doms who use punishment as an integral part of their sub/slave training, the point is moot. There are two sides to the discipline coin - physical punishment and mental punishment. Of course, there is a mental component to physical punishment; so when I refer to “mental punishment” I mean that which does not include any physical contact. Physical punishment is the most obvious weapon in the Dominant’s training arsenal. But the Dom’s disapproval is also a powerful weapon — as is any number of mental punishments “the word is as mighty as the lash.” I have found that a balanced combination of both physical and mental punishment, along with praise, to be the most effective way to train a submissive or slave.

PHYSICAL PUNISHMENTS

1.        Find the paddle, whip or whatever butt-beating implement that your submissive dislikes. If he/she hates the paddle, the cane or a particular flogger in your collection, use it. Look no further, you have found the perfect tool of discipline. When your submissive or slave commits an infraction that requires punishment, bring it out and administer punishment. But keep out wary eye out for signs that the submissive is actually enjoying the “punishment.” Make sure you do not let the submissive get into subspace. If you see the submissive hitting “space,” stop. And tell the submissive why you are stopping. Clever “bratty” subs have been known to misbehave in order to get a good beating. This might be fine for role-play, but is counter-productive if you are seriously trying to train a submissive or slave. If this is the case, switch to another form of punishment.

2.        For very serious infractions, severe punishment might be in order. This, of course, is not to be attempted by beginners or those with new D/s relationships where the dynamics are not yet established. The cane is perfect for this kind of disciplining. A ball gag is also effective when severe punishment is called for.

3.        Hair pulling is a great way to get your point across, especially when verbal disapproval accompanies this action. A good hair pulling session with a “what did you do wrong” question and response routine is awfully effective. Hair pulling accompanied by a swat with the hairbrush is a lesson not soon forgotten.

4.        A very popular punishment for a mouthy submissive is the age-old one of washing the mouth out with soap. This has worked throughout history and is a great punishment in the daddy fantasy.

5.        Being forced to wear a baby pacifier in public can be a reinforcing experience wearing a butt plug and ponytail. Being made to display this toy in public at a BDSM play party setting can be humiliating, depending on the situation.

6.       “Sensory Deprivation” is perhaps the single most “unforgettable” punishment. Being tied and left alone - especially when ball gagged and even blindfolded — for a period of time is another punishment the submissive\slave will not soon forget.

7.        “Corporal Punishment” is a combination punishment - it encompasses both the physical and mental side. But always asked the question “Does sub/slave know why he/she is being punished?” “Yes, Sir/Ma’am. I have shamed Master/Mistress by (reciting offense).” You can incorporate this Q and A technique to just about any physical punishment.

8.        A variation on the sensory deprivation theme is being kept in a cage. Depending on the submissive’s  fears , if it is a hard limit or control, avoid this as a punishment. This can be the one thing the submissive fears most. A further step is to require the submissive to eat out of the bowl, this can be quite humiliating. Again, the objective is to know and understand your submissive or slave.  If caging, eating out of a bowl or humiliation in general is a hard to achieve on short notice this is not a punishment you should use.

9.       There is really no limit on what you can use as punishment. Sometimes play that is enjoyable can be used as punishment when done in a disapproving manner or on another area of the body. For example, wax play might be one of your submissive’s favorite activities but when applied to tender areas it may create a different affect, in this case use it.    

These are just a few examples of the types of physical punishments that can be used when training a submissive or a slave.

MENTAL PUNISHMENTS

1.       Making the submissive’s watch the most boring movie of all time - the incredibly boring “Room With A View”, at one sitting with no breaks.

2.       A lecture is indispensable to the proper discipline of a submissive. It is as important as the penalty itself. These lectures or explanations should precede all punishments — whether physical or mental but at times can be a mental punishment on its own. Some submissives respond strongly to disapproval. Since the object is to train the submissive, the Dominant should not need to use physical punishment — or more severe mental punishment — unless necessary.

3.       The parent/child model holds true in that many punishments mimic those used in grade school. Requiring your submissive to hand write a given phrase - such as “I will not disrespect Master in public” — a hundred times (or more) works wonders.

4.       Another old school punishment is the classic “dunce cap” routine. There are innumerable variations on it. Standing in the corner for a given period of time - an hour or two, for example - is one version. Making the submissive literally wear a homemade “dunce cap” (make the sub make it) is not only humiliating, it borders on the totally devious. Use this latter one with care since humiliation is not to be used for every submissive’s discipline. If humiliation is a hard to control don’t attempt it.

5.       Punishment based on humiliation  can be awesome training tool if you have the control to make it work. Making the submissive wear a baby pacifier in public is a humbling experience. If the submissive has been mouthy, an entire evening without being allowed to speak will do the trick. A very extreme humiliation - use with care - require the submissive to wear a sign stating her offense in public. Or just make the slave watch and not participate if he/she likes to play. Yet another one - make the sub or slave eat out of a bowl on all fours like a dog but make sure the sub or slave does not like this; if he/she does, use another punishment.

6.       Isolation is another mental punishment. Making the submissive stay in a small room or closet with no link to the outside world for a couple of hours can be maddening. And one a submissive might not ever wish to repeat. But make sure the submissive cannot sleep through it. Standing up can make sleep all but impossible.

7.       A less severe form of isolation - especially in the information age - is suspending the slave’s computer, email, telephone or television privileges. This is one form of isolation that is quite effective as a punishment.

8.       Complete sensory deprivation for a period of time is yet another variation on this isolation theme. Ball gagged, blindfolded in a dark room - add sleep deprivation (wake the sub/slave from time to time) and you have a totally diabolical punishment. Use with care.

9.       If your slave is trained for housework, then punishments such as re-folding towels that were done sloppily or being made to eat off dirty dishes that were improperly cleaned are widely used. The “let the punishment fit the crime” imperative is a wise one to follow.

Unique punishments you devise yourself are the most fun and the most bonding - because they are unique to your relationship.  Just keep in mind that even mental punishments can have their dangers. Use your imagination and maintain a sense of what is fair, the use of mental punishment to train a submissive or slave can be as effective as physical ones. And when used in combination with physical ones are used the effects can be amazing. Finally, no matter what punishments you have used, do not forget aftercare. A punishment session can be exhausting for the submissive, both physically and emotionally. Thus the same procedures for post-scene aftercare apply for mental punishment sessions as well.